Japa Series Ep 5: The JJC's Guide To Canada

A hilarious guide I'd write to myself before leaving Nigeria

Dec 31, 2021

One time, I exposed myself to credit card fraud.

I went to the store to purchase some snacks and handed the cashier my card when it was time to pay. Big mistake!

He glared at me and my card for almost 15 seconds (that’s a long time if you plank) and asked why I was giving him my card. In the moment of confusion, I almost snapped at him for wasting my time. You see I was used to cashiers handling my card back home. Thankfully, he explained that I had to tap the card myself.

It was an embarrassing teaching moment for me to learn about credit cards. I was basically giving the cashier access to not only my identity but my line of credit. If he were a thief, he would’ve cloned my card and put me in debt less than one month after arriving in the country.

The interesting thing about moving somewhere new is the novelty of adjusting to the culture and practices. Navigating life as an alien in a new place doesn’t always come with embarrassing moments, thank God! But some of them remind me of my status as a Black woman. They remind me of my Nigerianness and I don’t hate them all the time.

But since we’re in the season of looking back at past experiences, I’m recalling culture shock moments from my first year in Canada. There are many surprising habits that my Nigerian self still struggles to get used to.

But if I had to come back again, I would write these notes to my past self to prepare myself.

Canadians won’t greet you with “good morning”. They only say “hi” like weirdos.
Everybody answers their father’s name. There’s no sir or ma here unless you’re a service person
Cram your bus stops like your WAEC exam. Otherwise, you’ll trek so much you’ll feel your quads shaping into strong yams.
Many oyinbo people will butcher your name and smile at you while doing it. Stare them down and correct them.
(contd from 3) Some will say they don’t understand your accent. Don’t get offended. They suck, and that’s not your problem.
Winter will kick your ass. You’ll have to choose death or fashion. Sometimes choose death, sometimes dress like a Yoruba auntie in winter.
Remember to smile at people who walk their dogs so that they won’t say you scared the dog into biting you.
Don’t hand the cashier your credit card at checkout like Naija’s POS system. You don’t want gbese on your head so soon.
Downtown deh smell pass anything. Forget the restaurants and historical buildings.
Eat as much ponmo as you can before leaving. It’s contraband apparently.
Canada doesn’t know if it wants to be an American or British colony. So they celebrate Queen Victoria’s birthday and not May Day.
You’ll buy the N800 pack of Maggi cubes for N8k ($20). It’s that or eating bland food.
Say “washroom” not “toilet”, tell people to “have a good one” instead of “have a nice day”.
Tipping is expensive and formal.
It costs an equivalent of N60k to braid hair. Do gorimapa instead
They don’t use to say “owa” in buses here. (I kid, I kid)
You’ll work on Eid. Sallah ram costs half a kidney
Nigerians are very nice when they’re not showing off.