About a year ago, I felt a storm coming. Like in the movies where the clouds grew thicker by the second. The dark clouds lived inside me and got fatter from consuming every streak of light I had in me.
To make things worse, winter was coming. Not like the disappointing final season of Game of Thrones. Literally, winter was coming with dryness and gloominess. Winter came and sucked up whatever smiles I had left to share.
When the pregnant crowds went into labor, I knew they were giving birth to twins - immigrant depression and seasonal depression.
You are reading this now because I survived it, thank God. But I thought I was going to die. Depressed people always think they want to die. It comes with the territory.
Immigration depression makes you feel like a failure at every step. Makes you question your worth, wondering if you’ll end up as a statistic. It starts from the “what are you doing now” question. It gets worse when people say “at least you left”. Then, your chest becomes hot because you’re not really doing okay even if you left.
Or when the rejection emails start piling up and you wonder where you’d be if you didn’t leave.
Seasonal depression just creeps in and sits on your chest. Everywhere is white and dead. But it’s not heaven. It’s what you imagine hell looking like if it froze over. Just white and barren. Okay, I really hate winter. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns.
I started tackling these two wicked illnesses by stepping out into the cold. Yes, I took long walks in the winter. I learned that white people have a death wish every second of their lives. Because who takes children to a frozen river and makes them break the ice? Isn’t life sacred to them?
I took long walks and learned how to breathe in ice, however painful. I had to learn how to breathe on my own so I sought help – thank God for meds!
One year later, winter is coming again and I am dreading it. But I can breathe now, so I’ll be okay. Again, thank God for drugs.
TL:DR: I had seasonal and immigration depression. I took long walks, saw a psychotherapist, and got on new meds.
If you struggle with depression or suicidal ideation, please contact the following institutions:
1. For Canadians, call 833-456-4566 (Canada Suicide Prevention Service)
2. For Nigerians, call 08091116264 for Mentally Aware Nigeria
What I’m loving:
Kanye West’s new album, Donda (yeah, I am shocked too)
The viral Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich (it’s as great as people say)